Alternative Life Read online

  James-iopened-ihis-ieyes-ito-ifind-ihimself-istanding-iin-ia-ipitch-iblack-ispace,-iilluminated-iby-ia-isingle-ispotlight-ithat-ishone-idown-idirectly-ion-ihim.-iHe-ilooked-ileft-iand-iright-ifor-isome-iclue,-iwhen-ia-ismall,-ihunched-iman-iwith-ia-iwrinkled-iface-iand-ian-iincredibly-ielaborate-ibeard-ipoofed-iinto-ithe-iair-iin-ifront-iof-ihim,-ihovering-iat-ieye-ilevel.-iHe-ispoke-iwith-ia-ilow,-iraspy-ivoice-ithat-ireminded-iJames-iof-ihis-igrandmother-iback-iwhen-ishe-iused-ito-ismoke.

  ""Hey,-igreat-inews,-ikid...-iyou're-idead!"

  James-ilooked-iat-ihim-iwith-iconfusion.

  "What-ido-iyou-imean,-iI'm-idead?",-ihe-iasked.

  The-iold-iman-ilooked-iat-ihim,-iequally-iconfused.

  "You're-idead.-iDeceased.-iNo-ilonger-iliving.-iPassed-ion.-iYou-iknow,-ithe-ithing-iwhat-ihappens-iwhen-ithey-istick-isomeone-iin-ia-icasket-ior-ithrow-itheir-ibody-iin-ia-ifurnace.-iThat-isort-iof-ithing.-iYou're-ithat."-i

  "Yeah,-ino,-iyou're-ifucking-iwith-ime,"-iJames-isaid.-i"Alright-iPaul,-iMark,-iyou-iguys-ican-icome-iout-inow.-iVery-ifunny."

  "Yeah,-ino,-ithey're-idead-itoo.-iDied-isame-iyou-idid,-iactually,"-iThe-iold-iman-isaid.-iWhen-ihe-isaw-ithe-iblank-ilook-ion-iJames's-iface,-ihe-irubbed-ihis-iface-iwith-ihis-ihands.-i"Okay,-ilook,-iyou-iknow-iwhat,-ihere.-iLet-ime-ishow-iyou."

  He-iswatted-iat-ithe-iair-ibeside-ihim-iwith-ithe-iback-iof-ihis-ihand,-iand-isomething-iakin-ito-ia-iprojection-iscreen-iappeared-iin-ithe-iair-ibeside-ihim.-i"Watch,"-ihe-isaid.

  James-iwatched-ias-ihe-iand-ihis-itwo-ibest-ifriends-iwere-idriving-idown-ithe-iroad-itowards-ia-ihigh-ibridge-iover-ia-iravine.-iA-ifew-iseconds-ilater,-ia-ideer-ijumped-iin-ifront-iof-itheir-icar,-icausing-iPaul,-iwho-iwas-iat-ithe-iwheel,-ito-ilose-icontrol-itrying-ito-iavoid-iit.-iThe-icar-itumbled-ioff-ithe-iedge-iof-ithe-iravine-ibefore-ithe-ibridge,-icrumpling-iinto-ia-iheap-ias-iit-ibounced-idown-ithe-icliff-ibottom.-iJames-iflinched-ion-ievery-iimpact,-iand-iwinced-ias-iit-ifinally-icame-ito-ia-irest-ion-ithe-icanyon-ifloor.-iHe-iturned-ito-ithe-iold-iman-iand-iwent-ito-isay-isomething.-i

  Then-ithe-icar-iexploded.-i

  James-iwatched-ias-ihis-ihead-iflew-iout-ithe-iwindshield-iand-itumbled-ialong-ithe-iground-isome-ifeet-iaway-ifrom-ithe-icar.-iAs-iif-ito-iadd-iinsult-ito-iinjury,-ithe-icamera-izoomed-iin-iand-iheld-ia-iclose-ishot-ion-ihis-isevered-ihead's-imangled-iface-ibefore-ithe-iscreen-iwinked-iout-iof-iexistence.

  "Uh,-iI,-iuhh....-iwhat?"-iJames-istammered.

  "Like-iI-isaid--ideadorino,"-iThe-iold-iman-isaid.-i"So,-iyou-ihave-ia-iname,-ikid?"

  "uh,-iJames...?"

  "Nice-ito-imeet-iya,-iJames!",-ithe-iold-iman-isaid,-iextending-ihis-ihand.-i"My-iname's-iFrumpkin-iSnozcumber,-ibut-imost-ipeople-ithese-idays-icall-ime-i'God'."

  James-itook-ithe-iman's-ihand-iand-ishook-iit,-iand-ithe-iold-iman-icontinued.

  "So,-iyou're-ihere-ibecause-iit's-itime-ifor-iyou-ito-idecide-ihow-iyou're-igonna-ispend-ithe-iafterlife."

  He-iswatted-iat-ithe-iair-iagain,-iand-iwhat-ilooked-ilike-ia-iwhiteboard-iappeared.-iOn-iit-iwas-iwritten,-iin-ibig,-ibold,-iblack-iletters:

  1.-iETERNITY-iOF-iPERPETUAL-iBLISS

  or

  2.-iNEW-iLIFE-iIN-iAN-iABSURDIST-iPOWER-iFANTASY

  "So,-iyou-ican-ipick-ione-iof-ithese-itwo-ioptions.-iMost-ipeople,-ithey-itake-ithe-ieternity-iof-iperpetual-ibliss.-iMe,-iI-ithink-ithat's-ithe-ibetter-iof-ithe-itwo-ioptions,-ipersonally,-ibut-ihey,-iwhat-ido-iI-iknow,-iright?"

  James-icould-ibarely-ieven-iwrap-ihis-ihead-iaround-iwhat-iwas-ihappening.-iHe-iwas-iDEAD?-iBut...-ino.-iThat-ican't-ibe-iright....

  "Option-inumber-itwo,-iI-ireincarnate-iyou-iin-ia-istorybook-iworld-iof-iyour-iown-iimagination,-iand-iyou-iget-ito-ibe-iunfairly-igood-iat-ieverything-iand-itry-ito-isave-ithe-iworld-ifrom-icertain-idestruction-iby-isomeone-ijust-ias-ioverpowered-ias-iyou-iare.-iYou-iwant-imagic-ipowers?-iYou-igot-iit.-iA-iharem-iof-ibeautiful-iwomen?-iSure.-iRidiculous-igood-ilooks-iand-ia-ilegendary-isword-ithat-ilets-iyou-ifly?-iWe-ican-ido-ithat-itoo."

  As-ihe-ispoke-iand-inamed-ieach-ithing,-ithe-iwhiteboard-iflipped-iover-iand-iover,-idepicting-ia-ismiling-istick-ifigure-iof-iJames-iwith-ieach-iof-ithe-ithe-ithings-ihe-inamed.

  "Good-inews-iis,-iif-iyou-isucceed-iin-isaving-ithe-iworld,-iyou-iget-ito-itake-imy-irole-ifor-ithat-iworld-iforever.-iYou-ibecome-i'God',-iso-ito-ispeak.-iBad-inews-iis,-iif-iyou-idie-iin-ithat-iworld,-iyou-icease-ito-iexist.-iPoof.-iNo-ieverlasting-ibliss-ifor-iyou."

  He-igestured-ito-ithe-iwhiteboard-iwith-ia-iwave-iof-ihis-ihand,-iand-ilooked-iat-iJames-iwith-ia-ismile.

  "So,-iwhat'll-iit-ibe,-ikid?"-i

  ###-iChapter-i2-i--iDecision-iMade

  James-ilooked-iat-ithe-iboard,-istill-iunable-ito-ifully-iprocess-iwhat-ihe-iwas-ibeing-ioffered.-iAfter-ia-ifew-imoments-iof-ihim-istaring-iblankly-iat-ithe-iboard,-iFrumpkin-icleared-ihis-ithroat.-iWhen-iJames-ididn't-irespond,-iFrumpkin-isighed-iloudly,-iand-ithrew-ihis-ihands-iinto-ithe-iair

  "So,-iyou-igonna-ipick,-ior-iwhat?",-ihe-iasked.-i"I-imean,-iyou-ido-iyou,-ibut-iI-igot-ia-ibacklog-iof-isouls-ito-iget-ithrough-iand-iyou-iare-inot-ireally-ihelping-ime-icatch-iup-ihere."

  "Yeah,-isorry,-iI'm-ijust...-ikinda-ihaving-ia-ihard-itime-itaking-ithis-iall-iin,"-iJames-isaid,-ilooking-iat-ithe-iold-iman,-iwho-iwas-icurrently-ifloating-iwith-ihis-iface-iabout-ithree-ifeet-iaway-ifrom-iJames's

  "Ehh,-igive-iit-itwo-iweeks-iin-iwhatever-iyou-ipick-iand-iyou'll-iforget-iyou-ieven-ineeded-ito-imake-ia-idecision,"-iFrumpkin-isaid,-istretching-ilazily-iand-iyawning.-i"Now,-ihurry-iup,-ior-iI'll-ipick-ifor-iya!"

  James-ithought-iabout-ihis-itwo-ichoices.-iOne-iwas-iguaranteed-ihappiness-ifor-iall-ieternity.-iI-imean,-ithat's-iwhat-ieveryone-ialways-iwished-ifor-iwhen-ithey-idied,-iright?-iBut-iwhat-idid-ieternal-ibliss-iactually-imean?-iI-imean,-iwould-ihe-ibe-isitting-ion-ia-icloud-iall-iday,-ior-iwhat?-i

  But-ithat-isecond-ichoice...-iIt-ijust-isounded...-iAWESOME.-iHadn't-ihe-ispent-icountless-ihours-ireading-ifantasy-ibooks-iand-iwatching-ianime-iand-iplaying-igames-ito-ihave-ithat-iexact-iexperience-iin-ihis-iimagination?-iIf-ihe-idid-ithis,-iit-iwould-ibe-iREAL.-iHe-icould-ifinally-ibe-ithe-ireal-ihero-ihe-ialways-ihad-ifantasized-iabout-ibeing.-iAnd-iplus,-ihe-icould-ihave-ia-iharem.-iA-ireal-ilife-iHAREM!-iNo-imore-i"James-ioff"-ipuns-ifrom-ihis-ifriends-iabout-ihim-ibeing-ia-isingle-ivirgin!-iHe-icould-ihave-ias-imany-idifferent-ikinds-iof-igirls-ias-ihe-iwanted...-iOH-iMY-iGOD-iHE-iCOULD-iSLEEP-iWITH-iAN-iELF!-iELF-iWOMEN-iWOULD-iBE-iREAL!

  Wait,-ipump-ithe-ibrakes-ithere,-iJacky-iboy.-iWhat-iif-ithat-iWASN'T-ihow-iit-iworked?-iWhat-iif-ithe-iold-iman-iwas-ijust-iscrewing-iwith-ihim?-iThat'd-ibe-ijust-ihis-iluck--iget-isent-ito-ianother-iworld-ionly-ito-idie-iagain-ia-iweak,-ipathetic-ivirgin-ibecause-isome-idragon-iincinerated-ihim-ias-isoon-ias-ihe-iarrived.

  James-ilooked-iat-iFrumpkin,-iwho-iwas-icurrently-idipping-ia-itea-ibag-iinto-ia-isteaming-itea-icup.-iThe-iold-iman-itossed-ithe-itea-ibag-iand-iit-idisappeared-isomewhere-ioutside-ithe-ispotlight-iwith-ia-isoft-isplat.

  "So,-iif-iI-ipick-ioption-i2,-iI-iget-ito-ibe-ias-ipowerful-ias-iI-iwant,-iand-ican-ihave-ianything-iI-iwant-ianytime-iI-iwant-iit?"-iJames-iasked.

  Frumpkin-itook-ia-isip-iof-ihis-itea,-iand-ishook-ihis-ihead.

  "Not-iexactly,-ino.-iThink-iof-iit-ilike,-iyou-istart-iwith-ihuge-iadvantages-iand-ican-iearn-imore.-iWhen-iyou-ienter-ithe-iworld,-iI-iwill-igrant-iyou-ithree-iwishes,-iand-ianytime-iyou-ido-isomething-iheroic,-iI-iwill-igive-iyou-ia-ichoice-iof-inew-iabilities,-iitems,-icompanions,-iand-iso-ion.-iMake-isense?"

  James-inodded,-iand-ifelt-islightly-ideflated-ibefore-ihe-irealized-ithe-iimplications.

  "Three-iwishes?-iAs-iin,-iI-ican-iwish-ifor-iANYTHING?",-ihe-iasked.

  "Well-iyeah,-ipretty-imuch,-ikid.-iI-imean,-iyou-ican't-iwish-ito-ibe-ime,-iyou-ican't-iwish-ifor-imore-iwishes,-iand-iyour-iwishes-iwill-ibe-iopen-ito-imy-iinterpretation-iand-iunderstanding-iwhen-
iI-iperform-ithem,-ibut-iyeah-isure.-iAnything-iyou-iwant,"-iFrumpkin-isaid,-isipping-ihis-itea-iagain.

  "Alright,-ithat-iseems-ifair,"-iJames-isaid.-i

  If-ithat-iwas-ithe-icase...-ihe-iknew-iwhich-ihe'd-itake-iin-ia-iheartbeat.

  "Okay-iFrumpkin,-igive-ime-ioption-inumber-itwo!",-ihe-isaid,-iholding-iup-itwo-ifingers.

  Frumpkin-isnorted,-iand-isaid,-i"Well,-ican't-isay-iI'm-isurprised!"

  He-iclapped-ihis-ihands-itogether,-icausing-ithe-iteacup-ifloating-inext-ito-ihim-ito-ivanish-iin-ia-ipuff-iof-ismoke,-ibefore-irubbing-ihis-ihands-itogether.

  "Alright-ikid,-iwhat's-iyour-ifirst-iwish?",-ihe-iasked.

  ###-iChapter-i3-i--iThree-iWishes

  It-ionly-itook-iJames-ia-ifew-iseconds-ito-idecide-ion-ihis-ifirst-iwish.

  "I-iwant-ito-ibe-ian-iincredibly-ipowerful-imagic-iuser-iwho-ican-ibend-ithe-iworld-ito-imy-iwill!"-iHe-isaid-iwith-ia-igrand-iflourish.

  Frumpkin-ilooked-iat-ihim-iwith-ia-ibored-iexpression.-i"Sorcerer,-iWizard,-iWarlock,-iPriest,-ior-iShaman?"

  James-istopped-imid-pose-iand-ilooked-iat-ithe-iman,-iand-idropped-ihis-iarms.-i"Uhm,-iwhat's-ithe-idifference?"

  Frumpkin-istarted-irubbing-ihis-itemples-iand-imuttered-isomething-ito-ihimself.-iHe-ithrew-ihis-ihands-iup.-i"You-iknow-iwhat?-iDoesn't-imatter.-iI'll-isurprise-iyou,"-iHe-isaid,-isnapping-ihis-ifingers.

  James-ifelt-ia-isudden-iglow-iof-ienergy-icourse-ithrough-ihis-ibody.-iHe-idramatically-iraised-ihis-ihands,-iand-iimagined-ia-ijet-iof-ifire-ishooting-iout-iof-ithem-ias-ihe-ishouted-ithe-ifirst-iword-ithat-icame-ito-ihis-ihead.-i

  "RACHMANINOFF!"

  To-ihis-isurprise-iand-ihorror-ia-imassive-ijet-iof-iflames-iengulfed-ithe-iair-iaround-ihim,-icompletely-iconsuming-ithe-iarea-iin-ifront-iof-ihim,-iincluding-iFrumpkin,-iin-ia-imassive-ifireball.-iJames-isnatched-ihis-ihands-ishut,-iand-ithe-ifire-iinstantly-idissipated,-ileaving-ia-isoot-blackened-iand-ivery-idispleased-ilooking-iFrumpkin-ifloating-iin-ifront-iof-ihim.

  "Sorry!-iI-ihad-ino-iidea-ithat-iwould-iactually-ido-ianything!"-iJames-isaid,-ifeeling-isheepish.

  Frumpkin-iglowered-iat-ihim,-iand-icoughed-ionce.-iHe-ithen-isnapped-ihis-ifingers,-iand-ithe-isoot-ion-ihim-idissolved.

  "Yeah-iwell,-inow-iyou-iknow,"-iHe-isaid,-iand-ifollowed-iup-iwith-i,"so-iwhat's-iyour-isecond-iwish?"

  James-ithought-ifor-ia-isecond.

  "I-iwant-ito-ibe-ian-iincredibly-ipowerful-iwarrior-iwith-ian-ienchanted-imagic-iweapon-iI-iam-ia-imaster-iof!"-iHe-isaid,-istriking-ianother-ipose.

  "What-iis-iit-iwith-iyou-iand-istriking-iposes-iwhen-iyou-imake-iwishes?"-iFrumpkin-iasked,-ipinching-ithe-ibridge-iof-ihis-inose.

  James-idropped-ithe-ipose,-iembarassed.-i"I-idunno...-ijust-ifelt-iright,-iI-iguess.-iIt's-iwhat-iI've-ialways-iseen-icharacters-iin-istories-ido-iwhen-ithey're-iin-isituations-ilike-ithis."

  "Well-istop-iit.-iYou're-igiving-ime-ia-iheadache.-iNow,-ihold-istill..."-iFrumpkin-isaid,-irubbing-ihis-ihands-itogether-irapidly.-iHe-ilaid-ithem-ion-iJames's-ishoulders.

  James-ifelt-ianother-isudden-icourse-iof-ienergy,-iand-ithen-ithe-isudden-isensation-iof-ievery-imuscle-iin-ihis-ibody-igrowing-iand-iswelling.-iHe-icouldn't-iexplain-iit,-ibut-ihe-isuddenly-ifelt-ia-iwhole-ilot-istronger.-iHowever,-iwhen-ihe-ilooked-idown,-ihe-isaw-ithat-ihe-iwas-istill-ihis-isame-ichubby,-iflabby-iself,-icomplete-iwith-igrease-stained-iSpace-iInvaders-ishirt-iand-icargo-ishorts.

  "Wait,-iI-ithough-iyou-iwere-igonna-imake-ime-iinto-ia-igreat-iwarrior!"-iJames-isaid.

  "I-idid,"-iFrumpkin-isaid,-ibefore-iadding,-i"now-ihold-iout-iyour-ihand."

  "No-iyou-ididn't!-iI'm-istill-isuper-ifat-iand-iout-iof-ishape!"-iJames-isaid,-ipointing-ito-ihis-istomach.

  "Yes,-iI-idid.-iBeing-ia-igreat-iwarrior-idoesn't-imean-igetting-irid-iof-ibeing-ifat.-iThere-iare-iplenty-iof-igreat-iwarriors-iwhere-iyou're-igoing-iwho-iare-ifat,"-iFrumpkin-isaid.-i"Now,-iif-iyou-iwant-ito-iuse-iyour-ilast-iwish-ion-ibeing-imuscular-ilooking,-iwe-ican-ido-ithat-iin-ia-imoment.-iIn-ithe-imeantime,-ihold-iout-iyour-ihand!"

  James-isighed-iand-iheld-iout-ihis-ihand.-iWith-ia-isudden-irush-iof-ilight-iand-ienergy,-ia-ilong-ihandled-iaxe-iwith-ia-iwide,-isweeping-iblade-iappeared-iin-ihis-ihand.-iThe-iblade-iwas-icovered-iin-iornate-iscrollwork-icarvings,-iand-ithe-ihandle-iwas-iwrapped-iin-isome-ikind-iof-ileather-like-imaterial-ithat-iJames-ididn't-irecognize-iimmediately.

  "Whoa,-icool!"-iJames-isaid,-imoving-ithe-iaxe-iaround-iand-iinspecting-iit.

  "I-ifigured-iyou'd-iappreciate-ithat,"-iFrumpkin-isaid.-iHe-ilooked-iat-iJames-iand-iasked,-i"What's-iyour-ilast-iwish,-ikid?"

  It-ionly-itook-iJames-ia-imoment-ito-idecide-ion-ihis-ilast-iwish.

  "I-iwant-ia-iharem-iof-i'hot'-igirls-iwho-iwant-ime!",-ihe-isaid.

  "A-iharem-iof...hot-igirls?"-iFrumpkin-iasked,-ilooking-ivery-iconfused.

  "Yeah!-iSuper-iridiculously-ihot!-iWith-ibig-itits!"-iJames-iadded,-itrying-idesperately-inot-ito-istrike-ianother-ipose.

  "Uhm,-iokay...?-iOne-iharem-iof-iblazing-ihot-iwomen-icoming-iup..."-iFrumpkin-isaid-iwith-ia-ibefuddled-iexpression.-iHe-imuttered-isomething-iunder-ihis-ibreath-ito-ihimself,-isnapped-ihis-ifingers,-iand-iadded-i"You'll-ifind-iyour-iharem-iwaiting-ifor-iyou-ijust-ioutside-iwhere-iyou-ispawn.-iAnd-itry-inot-ito-iget-iburned.-iI-isuggest-iforge-igloves-iif-iyou-iplan-ion-itouching-ithem."

  "Alrighty!-iHey...wait,-iwhat-ido-iyou-imean,-iburned?"-iJames-iasked,-ibut-iFrumpkin-iwas-ialready-igone.

  ###-iChapter-i4-i--iThe-i"first-ichallenge"

  James-iblinked,-iand-ifound-ihimself-istanding-iin-ia-iforest-iclearing-isurrounded-ion-iall-isides-iby-ia-ihigh,-isweeping-icanopy-iof-itrees.-iA-ifaint-ibreeze-iwas-istirring-ithe-ileaves,-iand-ivarious-ikinds-iof-ibirds-itweeted-iand-iflitted-iamongst-ithe-ibranches.-iA-icollection-iof-ivarious-ikinds-iof-iwildflowers-igrew-iall-iaround-iJames's-ifeet.

  "It's....PERFECT,"-iJames-ithought,-ilooking-iaround-ihim.-iAfter-ia-imoment,-ihe-inoticed-ia-ismall-igap-iin-ithe-itrees-iacross-ithe-iclearing-ifrom-ihim,-iand-ia-ifaint-itrail-iworn-iinto-ithe-iground-ithat-iled-ifrom-ithe-iclearing-ithrough-ithe-igap-iand-iinto-ithe-ishade-iof-ithe-iforest-icanopy-iahead,-iwhere-ihe-ilost-isight-iof-iit.-iHe-iknew-ithe-ibeginning-iof-ian-iadventure-iwhen-ihe-isaw-ione.-iHe-ilifted-ihis-inewly-obtained-imagical-iaxe-ito-ihis-ishoulder,-iand-itrudged-ioff-iinto-ithe-iwoods,-iattempting-iand-ifailing-ito-iwhistle-ithe-itheme-isong-ito-ione-iof-ihis-ifavorite-itelevision-iseries-ias-ihe-ientered.

  The-itrail-iled-istraight-ifor-ia-icouple-ihundred-ifeet-ithrough-ithe-iforest-ifloor,-ipicking-iits-iaway-iaround-ivarious-ilarge-itrees-iand-istones,-iand-iacross-ia-ismall-icreek-iabout-ifive-ifeet-iwide-ithat-ibisected-iit.-iHere-iand-ithere,-ismall-iforest-ianimals-isuch-ias-irabbits-iand-isquirrels-iclimbed-iand-ijumped-iand-idarted-iaround-ithe-ifloor-iand-itrees,-isome-iof-ithem-igibbering-iin-iprotest-iand-irunning-ito-itheir-ihollows-ias-ihe-iinterrupted-itheir-itasks.

  A-ishort-iway-ipast-ithe-icreek,-ithe-iforest-ibegan-ito-ithin,-iand-ithe-itrail-ibegan-ito-iascend-ia-isteep-ihill.-iFollowing-ithe-iswitchbacks-iup-ithe-ihillside-itook-imore-ieffort-ithan-iJames-iwas-iused-ito-iexerting,-iand-ihe-iinstinctively-ibraced-ihimself-ifor-ithe-ibreathless-iexhaustion-ihe-iwas-iaccustomed-ito-iwhen-ihe-idid-imuch-imore-ithan-icook-iinstant-iramen.-iTo-ihis-isurprise,-ihowever,-inone-icame.-iHe-ifelt-ijust-ias-irested-iand-ienergized-iat-ithe-itop-iof-ithe-ihill-ias-ihe-idid-iat-ithe-ibottom.-iSo-ithis-iwas-iwhat-inot-ibeing-ian-iout-iof-ishape-ipiece-iof-ishit-ifelt-ilike.-iJames-ilet-iout-ia-isigh-iof-irelief.-iThis.-iwas.-iAWESOME!

  ["YOU-iLIKE-iYOUR-iNEW-iBODY,-iKID!?"]

  James-iscreamed,-ifell-ion-ihis-iass,-iand-inearly-itumbled-idown-ithe-ihill-ias-iFrumpkin's-ivoice-iexploded-iinside-ihis-ihead.

  "AAAuuggh!-iGOD!",-iJames-iyelled,-iflinching-iand-irubbing-ihis-iass.-iHe-ilooked-iaround-ihimself,-ibut-isaw-inothing-ibut-itrees,-ihillside,-iand-ione-iparticularly-iperturbed-ilooking-isquirrel,-iwho-iwas-ichattering-iat-ihim-iangrily-ifrom-ia-inearby-ibranch.

  ["YES?!"]-iFrumpkin-iyelled-iinside-ihis-ihead.

  "STOP-iYELLING!-iYOU'RE-iHURTING-iMY-iHEAD!",-iJames-isaid,-icurling-iinto-ia-iball-i
and-iclutching-ihis-iskull-ilike-ithat-iwould-iactually-ido-ianything.

  ["OH-iJEEZ!-iSORRY-iKID!"]

  James-iheard-ithe-isound-iof-irustling,-iand-ia-ifew-iclicks-ilike-isomeone-iwas-iflipping-iswitches-iand-ipushing-ibuttons-iinside-ihis-ihead.

  ["...This-ibetter?"]-iFrumpkin-iasked.

  "Yes.-iChrist."-iJames-isaid,-istarting-ito-istand.

  ["My-ibad.-iLast-ikid-iwho-itried-ithis-iroute-iwas-ideaf-ias-ia-idoornail.-iForgot-iI-istill-ihad-ithe-isensitivity-iturned-iall-ithe-iway-iup.-iAlso,-iI'm-iin-iyour-ihead.-iYou-idon't-ihave-ito-irespond-iout-iloud-ifor-ime-ito-ihear-iyou.-iJust-ithink-iit,-iand-iI'll-ihear-iit."]

  "Then-iyou-ican-ihear-ithis,-ithen?",-iJames-ithought-ito-ihimself.

  ["Yep.-i...You-icould-itry-iand-isound-ia-ilittle-iless-isarcastic."]

  "Sorry.-iJust-istill-itrying-ito-iget-iused-ito-iall-iof-ithis,"-iJames-ithought.

  ["I'm-isure.-iNow,-iwhat-ido-iyou-iwant-ito-iunlock-ias-ia-ireward-ifirst?-iItem,-iskill,-ior-icompanion?"]

  "Wait,-iwhat?-iAlready?-iBut-iI-ihaven't-ieven-idone-ianything-iheroic-iyet!"-iJames-ithought.-iEven-ihe-ifound-igetting-iupgrades-ithis-iearly-icompletely-iridiculous.

  ["Yeah,-isure-iyou-ihave.-iThe-ihill-iwas-iyour-ifirst-ichallenge.-iYou're-istill-ifat.-iYou-iovercame-iit.-iNow,-ido-iyou-iwant-ia-iset-iof-imagical-iplate-iarmor,-ilockpicking-iskills,-ior-ia-ifamiliar?"]

  ###-iChapter-i5-i--iAsking-iFor-iIt

  "You-idon't-ithink-ime-igetting-irewarded-ifor-iclimbing-ia-ihill-iis-ikinda-ilame?",-iJames-ithought.-i"I-imean,-igetting-irewarded-iand-ieverything-iis-igreat-iand-iall,-ibut-ithis-iis-iridiculous."

  ["Why-ido-iguys-ilike-iyou-ialways-isay-ithat-iwhen-iI-ido-ithings-ilike-ithis?"]-iFrumpkin-isaid-imore-ithan-iasked.-i["Two-idays-iago-iclimbing-ithat-ihill-iwould-ihave-ibeen-ithe-ipeak-iaccomplishment-iof-iyour-iweek,-ibut-ino,-ias-isoon-ias-iyou-iget-iyour-iwishes-iit's-iall-i'oooh,-ilook-iat-ime,-iI-ineed-ia-iharder-ichallenge-ibecause-iI'm-itoo-igood-ito-ibe-irewarded-ifor-ibeating-imy-iprevious-irecords'".]